Stick a Fork in It: Twelve UK Ice Lollies Ranked by the Joke on the Stick

There are two contracts in a UK ice lolly. The first is between you and the freezer: keep me cold, I will not become a sad syrupy bag. The second is between you and the wooden stick, which promises a joke. Not a masterpiece. Not a TED Talk. Just a small, dry gag to read while your fingers go numb and someone asks whether there are any more in the box. This summer, the Ice Cream Dub family panel decided to take that second contract seriously. Possibly too seriously. The dog was asked to leave the room.

The Rules of the Stick Joke Audit

We bought twelve lollies from UK supermarket freezers and named-brand shelves, tasted them blind, then turned the stick over and read the joke. Each lolly was scored out of five for Laugh, five for Groan and five for Next-Stick Pull: meaning, would anyone bother to read the next one, or had the stick already been dropped into the grass? Totals are out of 15. Spelling was not punished unless it ruined the punchline. We are a food blog, not a GCSE examiner.

The panel included two adults with strong feelings about punctuation, two children with strong feelings about everything, and one Labrador who has never once laughed at a stick. His loss.

The Bottom of the Box

12. Own-brand cola lolly — 4/15 The stick read: 'Why did the lolly go to school? To get a bit cooler.' This is the joke equivalent of a beige cardigan. The children groaned before the sentence had finished. One adult said, 'That is not a joke, that is a weather report.' The lolly itself was fine — cold, brown, dependable — but the stick felt like a receipt with ambitions.

11. Apple and blackcurrant own-brand lolly — 5/15 'What do you call a frozen apple? A brrr-ley.' The pun landed with the sound of a wet flannel hitting a kitchen tile. One child asked whether it was supposed to be 'Brrr-ley' as in 'Brierley' or 'brrr' as in cold. Nobody knew. The stick was returned to the box with a sigh.

10. Rocket-style lolly — 6/15 'I'm not a rocket scientist, but I know how to freeze.' This one had a certain swagger. It was not funny, exactly, but it was confident. The panel gave it points for effort and deducted points for making us think about rocket science while eating a red, white and blue ice lolly in the rain.

9. Twister-style lolly — 6.5/15 'Why did the pineapple stop? It ran out of juice.' A classic fruit-based groan. The nine-year-old liked it. The eleven-year-old said it was 'the sort of joke a teacher tells before a maths test'. Fair. The lolly was pleasingly chewy, but the stick was doing the bare minimum.

The Mid-Table Mumble

8. Calippo-style lolly — 8/15 'What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.' This is an old joke, but it is a proper joke. It has a question, an answer and a mild sense of betrayal. The panel laughed. Then we all felt a bit silly for laughing. The stick did not overreach, which is more than can be said for the lolly's cardboard sleeve.

7. Fruit Pastille lolly — 8.5/15 'Keep calm and lolly on.' A slogan pretending to be a joke. The adults groaned. The children did not understand the reference. The dog remained unimpressed. And yet — and this is the damning bit — we all read it to the end. It had the smooth, hollow confidence of a fridge magnet. Not a laugh, but a mild nod.

6. Mini Milk-style lolly — 9/15 'Milk it.' Two words. No setup. No punchline. Just a tiny dairy instruction. The panel was divided: one adult called it 'minimalist', the other called it 'a stick that had given up'. The children awarded bonus points because they could read it quickly and get back to the important business of asking for another one.

5. Fab-style lolly — 9.5/15 'Sprinkle me impressed.' This one got a genuine snort. It is not clever. It is not sophisticated. But it knows exactly what it is: a pink, sprinkle-covered lolly with a stick that has decided to be silly. The panel respected the commitment. The sprinkles went everywhere. The dog was called in to clean up and still did not laugh.

The Podium

4. Kelly's-style lolly — 10.5/15 'Why did the ice cream go to therapy? It had a meltdown.' This is the stick joke equivalent of a reliable family car. It is not exciting, but it starts first time. The children laughed. The adults laughed because the children laughed. The lolly was creamy, the stick was crisp, and nobody had to explain anything. A solid mid-table finish that feels like a win.

3. Supermarket citrus lolly — 11/15 'You're the zest.' A compliment disguised as a pun. The panel liked the ambition. One adult said it felt like a stick that had been to a branding meeting and come back with a slogan. The children said it was 'nice'. In a blind tasting, 'nice' is not nothing. The lolly was sharp, refreshing and gone in ninety seconds. The stick lingered a little longer.

2. Own-brand raspberry lolly — 12.5/15 'What do you call a frozen dad? A pop-sicle.' This one caused actual chaos. The six-year-old laughed so hard she dropped her lolly. The eleven-year-old said, 'That's not even a proper joke,' then repeated it four times. The adults exchanged the look that means we have created a monster. The lolly was fine. The stick was the star.

1. Classic rocket-style lolly with a meta-stick — 13/15 'Why did the stick cross the road? To get to the other side of the lolly.' This is a stupid joke about the object you are holding while reading it. It is also the only stick that made every single panel member laugh, groan and then read it again. The children did not fully understand why it was funny. The adults did not fully understand why they were laughing. The dog remained a sceptic. But the stick had understood the assignment: the joke is part of the frozen treat's contract, and this one actually signed on the dotted line.

What the Sticks Tell Us

The named brands generally understood that a stick joke is a tiny piece of theatre. The supermarket own-brands often treated it like a legal disclaimer: technically present, rarely enjoyable. But there were surprises. A few own-brand sticks had real spark. A few big names coasted on a pun and a logo. The lesson for families is simple: next time you hand out the lollies, read the sticks out loud. You will get a laugh, a groan or, at the very least, a brief pause before someone asks for another one. And that, frankly, is the whole point of the stick joke. The dog still disagrees.